All or Nothing at All

Noni

In life, I think we are most intimidated by having to make decisions and the idea that some decisions can never be reversed. The scary reality is that we really may have only one chance to be rich, one chance to land a dream job, or even one chance at true love. One small decision can single handedly change the course of our lives.

I discovered this early. Sophomore year in high school, the chose to participate in a prestigious academic program rather than Dance Theater of Harlem’s Summer intensive, like I usually did. As subsequent events would unfold, that choice single-handedly steered me from the path from pursuing ballet professionally, to focusing on getting into an Ivy-League. And in retrospect, it was for the better. And in college, my goal was to be an award winning television journalist (it’s kind of laughable now). But three months after graduation, I still hadn’t landed the coveted on-air position.. My instinct told me to attend a professoinal conference and that’s where I ended up meeting my first news director... the woman who green-lighted my career. My instinct has always directed my fate in a favorable way. And had I not took a chance, stepped out on a whim, in both those situations, life would be very different.

So that’s why when I first laid eyes on Carter, I followed my instinct. I was at a jazz concert in Palm Springs. I was attending a professional woman's conference as a guest speaker and his trio entertained us on the final night. Carter was on piano. His black bespoke suit was tailored within an inch of his lithe frame the white shirt underneath sexily unbuttoned  at the top. He wore a simple, yet expensive gold watch on one hand, a gold link bracelet on the other. His jet black locks were pulled away from his face and cascaded down his back and Carter hunched over the ivories as if he were in conversation. In a moment, my fascination with jazz and this handsome stranger united, and like black magic, I was spellbound.

I knew that every single woman had their eyes on Carter, but I felt in my soul that he was mine to have.

The band took their four. It was my cue. Carter headed to the bar. He ordered scotch, sat on the stool, and drank it pensively. He appeared to be lost in a sweet memory.

I was in a body-conscious St. Johns knit cocktail dress. I was heavily perfumed in Mitsouku. In Japanese, the name means mystery. Perhaps he caught wind of my mystery before I fully entered his line of sight.

He peered over his shoulder. “Good evening.” And his voice was rich and smooth as fondu >> from a chocolate fountain, His eyes even more brilliant up close.

“Hi. Noni,” I answered, delicately extending my hand.

“Carter Jackson". His handshake was firm. " What are you drinking?”

“Pinot grigio” As I slid beside him, A few nearby women looked on. “I’m enjoying your set. I love jazz.”

“Oh do you?”

“Absolutely. I grew up in a house filled with Jazz.”

“Who’s your favorite…”

“In terms of body of work, Coltrane. In terms of personality… Miles. It’s a tough call.”

“I hear you. I’m a Duke Ellington man myself. But Coltrane comes second. So where do I fit on that list?” 

He flashed a smile capable of melting the icicles from snow covered trees.

The bar tender slid the wine glass in my direction and I took a sip, enjoying the brief pregnant silence. 

“Musicians have to grow on me. I’d need a little time to figure that's out.”

“That’s cool. I’m a patient man.” He smiled.

“As they say, patience is a virtue.”

“So Noni, where are you from?”

“Originally, Jersey. But I live in Florida now. I’m a reporter and author. What about you.”

“Originally Philly. I’m a man of the world now. You write?”

“I dabble in romance,” I told him. His eyebrows perked. I preferred to keep the spotlight shining on him. “I imagine you travel all over, but where is home for you?”

“Harlem.”

“Of course. Well it’s wonderful chatting with you Carter.” It was a tried and true tactic. Finish the conversation first and unexpectedly. A Goddess doesn’t linger. He looked surprised. I rose from my seat, touched his shoulder, and leaned into to air kiss him on the cheek. It would give him a final dose of my intoxicating scent and an outward sign that I was indeed interested.

“Hey Noni" he called. "What’s your favorite song?”

“Green Dolphin Street.” I said stepping back. He grinned. A jazz conoseur, he knew exactly what that meant. (Lyrics: Lover, one lovely day, love came, planning to stay.)

His band reassembled and I recognized the upbeat intro immediately. I could see his eyes searching for me in the dark room and when they met mine, he nodded. I was done at that moment. Literally. I was his to have.

Carter found me after the show, and handed me a card with instructions to not be a stranger. Always the coy one, I waited a little while, but when I finally reached out, I discovered that once again my instinct was spot on. He and I could talk for hours and hours about music, politics, and everything else under the sun. He was an intelligent man, which I appreciated, and I shared a connection with him that I've never experienced. In spite of his extensive touring, Carter made time to visit me, and to host me at his place. A few times I joined him on the road, like during his gig in Paradise Island, Bahamas.

Those close to me are still shocked that I've moved in with him. Understandably. Our relationship is young. He is 15 years my senior. He is newly divorced, and there's a little girl in the picture. He’d told me all about his daughter but I’ve yet to meet her, or his ex-wife. Honestly, I'm a little more excited to meet the former than the latter. His personal situation would have shared many women off, but I couldn't choose otherwise.

I love him. And I have always been in love with the idea of love. I have always desired to live a passionate life. To be in love with my career and to know that the man to whom I give the best of me is the man that perhaps God has ordained for me to be with. That’s Carter.

I think that when our instinct speaks to us loudly and clearly, and gives us the green light we can not hesitate. We can not over-think and delay a decision because we may miss out on some of life's greatest joys... and it may be our only chance to attain it.